I keep looking at you and it feels like

[partypaladin]

The sky rumbled threateningly as Mike ran out the front door, the screen door slamming shut behind him. The air was heavy with the promise of rain and lightning streaked across the sky, cutting through the dark, heavy hanging clouds. Summer thunderstorms weren't uncommon, but since Hawkins had been split open four months ago everything had a more menacing air than before.

He moves to the garage, grabbing his bike and booking it towards the Creel House on the other side of Hawkins. He doesn't know why he picks that gate, he just knows that's the one Will would go to. He can still hear Joyce's voice on the other end of the line, shaky and worried, as she'd asked if Will was there. He'd been there earlier and they'd talked but something had felt off. Wrong.

Mike couldn't put his finger on it at the time, but now his mind was catching up all too quickly. Will had come by to say goodbye. He feels his chest tighten at the thought and he pumps his legs even faster, taking a turn so narrowly that he nearly gets sideswiped by a car. He's downtown now, only a few minutes away from the Creel House, but it feels like he's moving in slow motion. Has Will already gone through alone? What exactly was his plan? Why hadn't Mike seen that last visit for what it was?

He tops the hill and the house, cracked down the middle and looking even more foreboding than it did before comes into view. Will's standing across the street at the playground staring up at it and Mike's heart leaps into his throat.

There's a deep rumble from the sky above and suddenly Mike feels one, then another and another drop of rain hit his head. "Will!" he yells, racing across the playground on his bike before practically jumping off of it and tossing it aside to run the rest of the way. He skids to a stop beside him, his heart beating so fast he thinks it might explode. A flash of lightening flares and the rain starts coming down even harder as Mike tries to catch his breath. He reaches for Will's arm as much to keep him from crossing the street towards the gate, as to keep himself upright. "Don't do this."

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[willtheunwise]

It’s been weeks and it has been constant. Someone in the back of Wills mind begging him to help, infiltrating his dreams, telling him that it has something to tell him. He feels like he’s losing his mind, he can’t shut it out and it won’t listen to him telling it to go away and he’s terrified whatever it is will take him over. It’s better this way, better if he goes into the upside down and faces it, even if it kills him death is better than being possessed again.

He did the rounds this morning, told his mom, Jonathan and El that he loves them. When questioned he told them he had a bad dream and he thinks they bought it. He hopes they bought it. Mike had seemed off too when Will visited, but he’s been off recently anyway, after his break up and Will coming out Will has felt a chasm growing between them and with the constant voices in his head it’s only gotten worse. It’s a shame really, that Will never got the chance to confess how he feels but there’s a letter in his room that details it that they’ll probably find if he never makes it back.

He’s stood across from the house staring up at it. Maybe it’s karma, if he dies in the spot his friend was broken apart in, all their stupid issues distracted El when she should have been saving Max. All the stupid issues that are partially his fault, if he’d just kept out of El and Mikes business Max might have been saved.

He hears Mike running up but he doesn’t turn around, eyes still trained on the foreboding building. He didn’t think any of them would figure him out, he’s been distracted and distant for weeks, it’s nothing new. He certainly didn’t expect anyone to find him, he should have picked a better gate, the trailer park maybe.

“What are you doing?” Will asks, tone flat. He doesn’t want a fight and he knows it’s going to be one, he doesn’t have the energy left to lie about it.

[partypaladin]

Mike's still struggling to catch his breath, to allow enough air into his lungs to speak when Will asks him what he's doing there. Mike looks up at him incredulously, eyes wide and bright with panic. He forces himself to straighten up pulling on Will's arm so that he'll actually look him in the eye.

"I'm here to stop you from doing something stupid," he says, but there's no heat in the words. There's a softness to them, a gentleness that borders on begging.

He takes in one last deep breath, his expression softening into the look that had always been solely reserved for Will. "Whatever you're here to do, don't do it. Please.."

[willtheunwise]

“Mike…” Will would love it if this weren’t happening. He knows he sounds resigned, he doesn’t know how to feel anything but that, it takes the edge off the anger at least. “You don’t understand.”

They will be better off without him anyway. No chance of Vecna spying back, no more worry and distraction about whether he’s okay or not. They can fight and he can find out what on earth is going on in his head and if it kills him so be it, he’s felt like he’s been walking around with a huge target on his back ever since everything started. At least if he follows the voice he might get answers.

“He’s in my head all the time, I can’t get away and it never shuts up,” Will shivers as the downpour soaks into his clothing. “What if he spies back? What if he uses me to hurt someone?”

[partypaladin]

"What don't I understand?" He's tired of his friends telling him that he doesn't understand when he's been there beside them the whole time. Maybe this isn't happening to him, but it might as well be. He suffers when Will suffers. Not in the same way, but he knows he's not okay. He also knows this isn't the answer.

"What if he wants to kill you?" Mike asks, his brows furrowing. "What if he's just trying to lure you down there so he can use you against us?" He shakes his head. "This is stupid. We don't know what he wants. We shouldn't be giving him what he wants."

"Will, please, we'll figure out a way to stop him. To get him out of your head. Just give us more time."

[willtheunwise]

“I feel like I’m just waiting to get possessed again, and everyone knows it, and they’re waiting too,” Will scrubs his face with his sleeve, thankful it’s raining hard enough to mask the crying. “I’m a liability and I shouldn’t be involved in any of it.”

He can see the constant intrusion on his mind for exactly what it is this time; an attempt at wearing him down until he isn’t strong enough to resist another hostile takeover. “I’m not strong enough for this, I can’t do it again.”

Of course it makes perfect sense to keep resisting and not step through a gate, it does it’s just… Will frowns, not sure what his endgame even was other than ‘get answers’. He shuts his eyes for a long moment, squeezes them and tries to reorient. The constant headache he’s had for weeks pounds behind his eyes.

“I don’t know what’s happening.” He finally whispers as fear makes his blood run cold. “What if we can’t stop him? Or fix it? What if I’m just like this forever?”

[partypaladin]

"No," Mike says, shaking his head. "Will, that's not true." There's a possibility that Vecna might try to possess him and Mike has no idea what they are supposed to do if that happens, but it doesn't mean that removing Will from the equation is the answer. At least, not like this.

"If you want to leave. If you want to get as far away from here as we can so he can't get to you, then let's do it. Let's go," Mike says, his words tumbling out of his mouth quickly. "But I'm not going to let you walk into the Upside Down alone."

"We're stronger together, right?" He asks, his eyes searching out Will's. He can't deny that, even if Mike hasn't been the best friend he could've been over the last year. "If you're going, I'm going."

The fear in Will's voice tugs at Mike's chest, letting loose a damn of emotion. He reaches for Will's hand. "We will stop him," Mike says with a confidence he doesn't feel in this moment. "Once he's gone he'll leave you and El alone for good. He's trying to lure you in because he knows he's weaker against you. You have to fight him."

Mike lets out a shuddering breath. "I can't lose you."

[willtheunwise]

I can’t lose you transports Will back to a pizza kitchen, sterile surfaces, buzzing strip lights, holding Els cold, wet hand as Mike tried to give her the strength to fight on. It opens the lid on something festering, something he shoved into a box and put a lid on along with all the insults from his father. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods. Will has tried not to let it hurt, to pretend that he doesn’t mind that the best day of Mikes life was the worst of his.

Will steps back, flashes Mike a hurt look but tries to school his face into something more neutral as soon as he realises he’s done it. He doesn’t pull his hand away even though he wants to. His sweater is starting to feel heavy with rain.

Will blinks down at where Mike is holding his hand as if to tether him to the real world instead of the war raging inside him between staying or going, the choice to put everyone he loves in danger or just himself. They could run away. Mike would rather walk into the upside down with him than let him go alone. He tries to imagine Mike saying any of that to Dustin or Lucas even Max, but he can’t. He opens his mouth and shuts it again abruptly to stop himself from saying I’m not your girlfriend, Mike. He tries to stop shifting his weight from foot to foot, to keep his eyebrows from knitting together.

Wills heart is in his mouth and for the first time in weeks it isn’t because One and the Mindflayer are getting to him. He tilts his head and studies Mikes face as if he’ll find answers without having to ask the questions. He finds nothing.

Maybe the voice in his mind telling him you’re being delusional is right, he’s seeing things that aren’t there.

Mike is just trying to motivate you, you’re reading into it like an idiot. If you think back to every time Mike has spoken to you like this it’s been because you’re in danger, then as soon as you aren’t you’re disposable all over again.

He will always be disposable when he doesn’t need Mike to be his knight in shining armour, he has been every other time.

“Mike,” Wills voice cracks, the back of his neck prickles “I don’t need you to ride in on your white horse and save me, I don’t think I can be saved.” Doesn’t it feel better telling him the truth? “I don’t think you ever should have. I think I died that day, but your life started right? You should just let me go.”

[partypaladin]

Will moves away from him and Mike has to fight the urge to close the distance immediately. There's a flash of hurt across his face and Mike can't understand what it is that he's done or said to cause it. The rain is really coming down now, turning his hair into a flattened mat against his head and he wants to reach up to wipe it away, but that would mean letting go of Will's hand and he's too afraid that if he does, Will will slip away into the shadows of the Creel House, without him. So he lets his bangs droop into his eyes, watching his best friend with wide eyes as he seems to take Mike in - as if he's weighing his options. As if Mike is the last person he'd ever want to go with him into the Upside Down. Mike knows he's not smart like Dustin, or logical like Lucas, or powerful like El, but it still sends a stab of something through his heart. Once upon a time, he doesn't think Will would've hesitated to accept his offer. But maybe that was a long time ago. Before Mike proved just how useless he really was when it came to being a friend, let alone a best friend, or being able to protect any of the people he cared about from any of this.

Each word is another arrow, piercing him through and through. So Will does know just how useless he is. Mike had known that this day was coming, but the painting -- the words in the van -- he'd thought maybe Will still thought something of him. That maybe he'd still have a chance to make sure he didn't have to face the worst thing that ever happened to any of them alone.

I don't think you ever should have. Anger flashes in Mike's eyes as he stares back at Will, struck dumb by the wrongness of those words. Since when would Will rather have died than have Mike try to find him? Since when had Will ever doubted for a second that Mike would've and still would do anything to get him back? Had Vecna been working at him for so long that he could doubt facts as irrefutable as the laws of gravity?

I think I died that day, but your life started, right? Another stab to the heart. Mike's brow furrows as a memory resurfaces, El floating her face scrunched up in pain, Will nodding at him to try to save her, the words falling out of his mouth before he could think about them. He'd never been good at lying, it was why he was so bad at saying the important things out loud, but when he was twelve he had been good at telling people the things they needed to hear. He'd told Dustin that they were all his best friends, even if he'd known that Will was different from the others. He'd told Nancy that there wouldn't be any more secrets, even if he knew that there would be no going back to the childish promises they'd made before that month. Even if he'd lied point blank to her for months afterwards when she asked him if he was okay and she'd done the same to him. Then something had changed when El returned. He'd tried to be a good boyfriend. He planned dates and spent hours making out and said all the things he thought El wanted, but it had felt too dishonest. Once the Byers had moved to California it had been easier to omit the truth, rather than to lie completely to someone he cared about. But El had seen right through him. Even in that moment when he'd been desperately trying to find the words she needed and he'd told the biggest lie of his life, she hadn't believed him. She'd told him in so many words afterwards, right after they'd decided they were better off as friends. Friends don't lie, Mike.

Mike sucks in a deep breath, his fingers tightening around Will's hand. "Will," he croaks, rivulets of rain sliding down his cheeks and into his open mouth. He forces himself to breathe, to swallow. To speak. To tell the truth. "I..." He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to start. All he knows is the shuttered look Will's giving him now, the one that tells him he doesn't expect him to fight him. "I didn't mean what I said. I panicked. El was losing and... I tried. I tried to tell her what she needed to hear, but... I lied."

Shame burns red hot in his gut and he can feel the heat of it creeping up into his chest and face. A peal of thunder shakes the ground they're standing on, followed by a strike of lightening that momentarily blinds Mike. He blinks, trying to regain his vision. He pulls Will closer protectively and suddenly, just like that, the space between them is gone. Mike's eyes trace the curve of Will's jaw, the darkness under his eyes, the hint of hurt hidden just behind them.

Mike can feel panic building in his chest. Not the kind that had spurred him to lie to El, but the kind that comes at the prospect of living in a world without Will. It's clawing it's way up his throat and all he can do is take a breath before it comes tumbling out like a never ending waterfall.

"My world ended the night you went missing. I know we were just kids, but you... God, Will, you were and are everything to me. When I thought you were dead, I... " He lets out a shuddering breath, clamping his jaw shut for a moment. He thinks about the quarry edge. About the rush of water before he'd stopped falling abruptly. "I wanted to die too."

"I know I can't save you. I've never been able to save you from any of this, but I can't just let you go." He swallows thickly, squeezing Will's hand. "If this is it. If you're just going to surrender... then I am too." Mike's clothes feel heavy, suffocating, wet. He wants to slip out of them and leave them behind. He thinks there'd be something almost poetic about going out of the world the way they came into it, but luckily his mouth doesn't put that thought out into the world. Instead, it twists into a frown. "If you die, I die."

Because he's already died a few times. Every time he's lost Will, it's felt like dying. The first time, the time he lost him to the Mindflayer, the time he lost him to California... It feels laughably dramatic in the wake of all the real loss they've experienced, but it doesn't make it any less true. Mike knows it doesn't compare to what actually losing Will would be like, but he knows enough from the quarry's edge to know that he's not strong enough to withstand it. "If I lose you then nothing else matters."

[willtheunwise]

Mike looks hurt, wounded even, and Wills chest tightens as he realises he’s just said what’s been going on in his head for weeks and it’s just as worrying as he knew it would be.

You’re better off alone. Better off dead. If you’d just died like you were supposed to none of them would have been dragged into this.

He doesn’t have time to think about it as the lightening strikes worryingly close and Mike drags him in as if he can protect him and they won’t just both fry. Will would deserve it, or at least that’s what people seem to think, God striking him down would be a fitting punishment for his sins. He sniffs and tastes metal in the back of his throat. He doesn’t even have his Walkman, he left without it. He’s put himself and Mike in danger and he can’t even figure out why he was so convinced that this whole thing was necessary.

You’re putting an end to it. You want answers and I’ll give them to you if you come to me. Tell him he can’t stop you.

The whirlwind of thoughts loses some momentum as Mike speaks.

He lied. He lied. You shouldn’t be glad. You are a bad person for being relieved that he lied to her. She deserves better. But he is relieved. Maybe he is a bad person. His mom, Mike, Jonathan, they’ve all told him to stop apologising, that he doesn’t deserve the bad things he thinks he does and there’s always been a part of him that thinks they wouldn’t say any of it if they knew the truth but maybe… Mikes words bring a sort of clarity that cuts through the mess.

There’s definitely blood in his mouth.

“He’s in my head,” Will manages as the horror slowly dawns on him. Nightmares, nosebleeds, terrible thoughts, seeing things that aren’t there. All the things the party talked about happening to everyone Vecna was messing with. All the times he’s been unable to shake off the worst, most negative things he thinks about himself. “He’s been there the whole time.” That’s almost a relief too, he’s not broken, he’s being fucked with.

“I don’t want to die. I don’t want to give up.” Will doesn’t need music, he doesn’t need to hide in the happy memories, because the more Mike speaks the clearer it all gets. “And I’m not letting him drag you down with me.”

All the times Will has dared to hope and had it torn down, sabotaged by his own fears. The Mindflayer, Vecna, which ever one of them is responsible, need him to feel worthless and hopeless and he’s sick of letting them make him enough to be brave. “So you’d die without me and you lied to El and I lied to you, I don’t know if she feels like I said she did,” this is not how he ever pictured this going, “but I do and I’m not letting him curse me without being honest first.”

Lightning flashes again, Will can almost feel it buzzing across his skin. “So I’m sorry, or you’re welcome, or just uh… Fuck it.” He grabs Mikes wet shirt collar and yanks him into an inelegant, very wet kiss.

[partypaladin]

Will says Vecna's in his head and Mike doesn't know if it's a confession or a warning or both. Still, hearing Will say that he doesn't want to give up sends a wave of relief crashing over him. He knows that feeling too well not to be relieved to hear it contested out loud. He thinks he sees something shift in Will's face, which is the only reason he doesn't wince when Will repeats his confession back to him. Will's words bounce around his skull, not completely connecting. I lied to you.

He had hoped that Will was telling the truth that day in the van. He had hoped that someone saw him the way Will had described. And when it had been made crystal clear that person hadn't been El, he'd let himself hope that maybe it had been Will who had meant it, even if he knew he didn't deserve it. Even if he knew Will had no reason to see him that way. He'd spent hours staring at the red heart on the shield, wishing that he were brave enough to carry it.

Mike stares at Will as he apologizes and then immediately takes it back. He doesn't even have time to say Will's name before he's yanked forward and suddenly their lips are touching and something inside Mike breaks and shatters and then comes back together again. Mike reaches blindly for Will's shirt in turn, his hand slipping out of his to find his elbow, then his waist as he pulls him closer. His sweater is a soggy mess, melting under Mike's fingertips, but it doesn't matter because Mike needs the closeness, the solidness. He needs to know this is real.

When they do finally break the kiss, Mike has an armful of his best friend and a head full of static white noise. He thinks Will's broken something inside of him. Fried all his synapses and left behind a short circuiting nervous system that's all raw nerves and jittering electricity. Mike blinks at him, slowly, trying to remember how words work. Trying to catch his breath even though his heart is thumping erratically in his chest. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it, his brow furrowing slightly before he gives up and acts on impulse, reaching out to cup Will's face with both hands to kiss him again, solidly and thorougly and completely.

[willtheunwise]

Will didn’t give himself time to second guess or chicken out but he still breathes a sigh of relief when Mike pulls at him instead of pushing him away, when the bone deep fear that Mike wouldn’t be okay with being the boy who made Will realise he’s gay even if he was supportive about him being gay starts to dissipate. What he gets instead is Mikes arm around his waist, which is good because his knees feel a bit weak.

Will is definitely crying a little bit when they break apart but the rain conceals it, there’s a bit of blood on Mikes top lip that he would wipe away if he were willing to move his hands from where they’re resting on Mikes chest. There’s so much he wants to say, that he loves Mike, that he’s sorry for lying, that he’s sorry it took him so long to be brave, that he should have told him the feelings he talked about in the van were his and he should have just owned up to them sooner. He doesn’t get to though because Mike is kissing him again and it’s better than the first one, probably because he’s letting Mike lead instead of blindly attempting to follow his instincts even if it meant it was a little awkward.

They’re both soaked to the skin and Will can still feel the electricity from the storm crackling around them, or maybe it’s just him, it feels like every nerve is sparking. He isn’t even scared they could get caught, nobody is going to be out around the worst, most damaged part of town in this weather anyway.

When they finally part again Will is shivering a little. But this is important, more important than risking a cold. “Just so you know, I need you, and I think you just broke the curse and I’ll always need you and if I do have to go to hell I’m taking you with me,” it comes out rushed, jumbled, but he needs to say it, needs Mike to know. “And I love you. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

[partypaladin]

When they part the second time, Mike is out of breath and there's the copper taste of blood on his tongue. For a second he's afraid that he did something stupid and nipped Will's lip with his teeth, but as he pulls back to look at him, he can't find any marks left behind. Mike's head is swirling with a hundred thoughts at once, but this one is important and he tries to hold onto it as Will finally lowers the walls that have kept Mike out of his orbit for the past few months.

I need you makes Mike feel like he might burst into tears. He hadn't realized just how much he needed to hear it until Will says it out loud between them. Mike feels his shoulders sag with relief, the tension that's been between his shoulder blades, the worry knotted up in his heart, melting away instantly. He feels boneless like he might just float away, at least until Will says the word curse. Mike's expression instantly shifts into one of deep concern, double checking to make sure that Will's eyes are still the warm brown they've always been. He tries to think about where he left the tape player that everyone's been assigned with the mix with their favorite songs on it. It's back in his room at his house, laying uselessly on his bedstand table.

And if I do have to go to hell, I'm takig you with me. He doesn't think that should sound so good. He knows it should probably scare him, but it doesn't. If that's where Will is, then that's where Mike will be, right beside him. If Vecna wants him, he'll have to go through Mike first. Always.

And I love you. Mike's breath stutters to a stop in his chest, the world coming to a stop. Something like wonder crosses his expression as he wills himself to move, to speak, to do anything but just stand there and stare back at Will. Finally, his brain's screams to do something registers with his arms and he pulls Will into a tight hug, burying his nose into his neck. "I love you too."

He's crying now, because this is more than he'd ever dared to hope for, because he didn't think he'd ever get to say those words to Will and mean them the way he meant them. Because they've spent the last year lying to each other. Mike tries to wet his lips because his mouth and throat are dry, despite the rest of him being soaked and he's reminded of the blood.

He pulls back again. "Are you.... bleeding?"